How To Wage War With A Woman, A Satirical Guide For The Serially Misogynous

This is a flash fiction--a short, short story, or rather, a comedic thing I scribbled quickly after a commercial on the radio made me giggle to myself. Actually, the commercial was a little hard on women, which wasn't funny, however it got me thinking that its sexist implications might be more palatable with my own personal seasonings to improve their icky flavor. Couldn't decide on the title for this "story", too many ideas. For now it's the title of this post. . .

"How To Wage War With A Woman, A Satirical Guide For The Serially Misogynous"

Step One:  Even if, and especially when, you know her exact weight, always assert that she appears 20 to 100lbs heavier, especially if she's wearing a new outfit or--most importantly--she appears to have actually lost weight.

Step Two: Even if, and especially when, you know her exact age, always assert that she appears 10 to 50 years older.

Step Three: If she wears a new hairstyle and/or hair color at the office, make jokes all week with everyone else about transsexuals. If at all possible, each time you encounter her, stare at her chin while you verbally contemplate whether you need to shave later on.

Step Four: If you are male and attracted to said woman--who shall henceforth be referred to as The Target--however, she's clueless, unavailable, or uninterested, make pointed lesbian references in the background whenever she talks with a female friend. Alternatively, if you are female and simply wish to demonstrate your internally justified misogyny, refer to Step Three with an amplified frequency especially if you should see a member of the opposite sex taking interest in The Target.  *Note: Misogyny need not be justified either internally or externally.

Step Five: If, and especially when, The Target appears to be stressed or bothered (undoubtedly by the application of steps One through Four), casually mention that your great grandmother had identical symptoms before her unexpected diagnosis of either schizophrenia or dementia. Either is fine, so long as the condition is mental. Reiterate that everybody in the family was utterly relieved when death finally freed grandma from the insatiable appetite of mental illness.

Step Six: WARNING: This Ultimate Tactic should only be applied at the failure of all aforementioned steps. Hack into her laptop or smartphone and, perhaps via the forward-facing camera lens, acquire images of her undressing. Post these photos to a human trafficking website with an accurate profile of the target, including her phone number so she can be contacted. Email the link to the target's profile to every office employee, specifically the boss. Note #1: Ass photos are best, so the installation of a toilet cam may prove useful. Note #2: Step Six in its entirety is highly unlawful and should only be applied in times of righteous desperation, when the need to declare war is greater than the need to avoid jail time. Note #3: Be aware that the tactic in Note #1 of Step Six may negate the tactic of Step Three.

Final Notes: These rules apply to anyone, male or female, who would chance to wage war with that fairer champion of the sexes, the unapologetic, the territorial, the proud, the nurturing yet wrathful . . . woman. Please do note that these uniform tactics do not automatically spell victory nor are they guaranteed to rid the individual permanently of the target, however there is a 50/50 chance of witnessing a curious psychological event wherein The Target either succumbs to these declarations of war, i.e., completely surrenders in the form of striving to please the terminally displeased, or The Target nurtures a monster within whose roar awakens those in slumber whilst they walk.


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